"Sand is overrated. It's just tiny little rocks ... If only I could meet someone new. I guess my chances of that happening are somewhat diminished, seeing that I'm incapable of making eye contact with a woman I don't know ... Why do I fall in love with every woman I see who shows me the least bit of attention?" - Joel, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.
Its getting colder and its all sparkling lights, red+green and Nat King Cole, the dying last days of the year begging me to write my own annual evaluation ( i expect my report on my desk Monday morning.) I find I've been getting on much better when i don't pause to look in the mirror, don't think much about where i am / what I'm doing. But this time of year forces me to get introspective. needless to say, id rather have a tall bottle and a pair of horse blinders, run on autopilot and trudge on through the snow with only expectations of myself in mind and nothing about this world this town this life. Just keep moving forward.
So many awesome things in 2007. Revelations, acceptance, circumstances, luck, perseverance. I got myself far and need to hi-five myself on the regular because I'm simply PWNING the shit out of a lot of stuff, a lot of stuff that maybe i had been neglecting over the last couple years due to wearing rose tinted glasses and procrastinatory denial. No more of that shit, forward momentum is all i need and I've gotten that.
Should be rollin in it. but you know, its not that easy. There was a time when i believed that all i needed was someone to love, that you could take everything away and if i had that, i could somehow pull it together and find my way, endure any hardship that came my way. Now that was never an excuse to neglect myself - but when i did have it, I wasn't motivated enough to make moves, i was content but stale, static. I was satisfied - but i wasn't happy, when i looked in the mirror i knew i had to save me from myself. Changes were made, changes i don't regret. and...
Now I'm at the top, i feel like Ive pulled out of my nosedive and I'm a better man now than i ever have been. I've got plenty of reasons to be happy and feel good about my life. Maybe i should be content with that, satisfied. and for as happy as i am lately, now I'm not satisfied. Fucking human condition man, we sure know how to make life difficult for ourselves. You've got so much, and yet all you want to talk about is what you don't have. Stupid fucker.
That quote from Eternal Sunshine is applicable because when i first saw that movie years ago and that scene came up in the first 10 minutes i nearly jumped out of my seat and wanted to scream THAT'S ME!
If you've seen the movie, you know that the 'attention' he refers to is so much more innocent than you'd expect - passing a girl on the street and she glances at you and smiles - is some sort of validation that you're worth something, that you're not an invisible dude, and you want to turn around and chase her and say:
"HEY - you noticed me, no one notices me! can we talk a while i want to show you how fucking exceptional i am cause when you smiled back there, you just took all the fear out of me and made me feel like the me I've been looking for..."
Call it fear of rejection, call it fear of success, call it cowardice, call it me being extremely picky about my taste (guilty as charged) it doesn't matter, all that matters is that i have a million reasons to NOT roll the dice on someone, to define my results before the notion even fully processes in my head, its all over before it starts.
It always happens like that 'when you're not expecting it'. Its never at the bars i frequent or at work, or at a party - i rarely feel open enough or even present enough to make an impression on anyone, if theres even someone there that perks my interest, i convince myself that she hasn't even noticed me, or shes way out of my league.
No - it always happens on the street, passing one another. or from one car window to the next (happens ALL the fucking time). its always the cashier at a bookstore, the hostess at a restaurant, always a circumstance that requires me to be awkward, requires me to break convention in order to squeak out a 'hello' and devise some remark or conversation that doesn't paint me as some random crazy ass stranger.
I'm there and I'm not ready for it, and she looks over and glances at me, and looks away nervously or smiles quick and keeps moving and then I'm struck: here's your chance, don't blow it. Shes so pretty... go get her. She smiled at me... just walk up to her. She could fall in love with you... what do you have to lose?
And then i walk past, cursing under my breath, making excuses about how its better this way... bargaining with myself that i won't do the same thing next time... until i get caught off guard and it all happens again, i watch the chance dissolve over the horizon... going, going... gone. No, you'll never find it if you're looking for it, but what happens when it shows up unexpectedly and you can't pull the trigger?
OK I've said enough. time to go roll the dice again, it is Saturday night, there's pints to be drank and I'm still me... no guts, no glory, right?
